Reasons to be Miserable, 1, 2, 3.

So, stuff that has pissed me off in the past week:

Shit Metal

What the hell are cistern levers (‘bog handles’ for the northerners) made out of?  The manufacturers put a large emphasis on the chrome plating element of the handle, but what’s beneath the chrome?  They say metal, I say fuck off!  I can only imagine that they’ve got the recipe for a sponge cake (flour, eggs, butter, sugar, etc.) and replaced the flour with iron filings.  And the reason I’m so angry about it is because this weekend I’ve had to buy my fourth handle in a year after it snapped in my hand again.

Internet Estate Agents

God!  This is a proper backward step isn’t it? I’m selling my house at the moment and at first I thought I’d try an internet estate agent, it’s the future isn’t it?  They state “We typically secure an accepted offer within 20 days of listing.”  Of course you do! (I’m talking about eMoov by the way).  In reality they take your money, advertise you on the ‘Rightmoves’ of this world and don’t give a shit about selling your house.  After 6 months of not receiving any enquiries through the summer I decided to try and book a viewing appointment myself, I couldn’t!  The links on the websites were broke and eMoov hadn’t checked them.

Now I’ve been looking at potential rental properties in the interim.  The first one had listed their house with ‘My Online Estate Agent’.  I filled in the form to book an appointment and didn’t hear a thing.  I telephoned them and was presented with a message saying that an error had occurred and I couldn’t leave a message.  Eventually a miserable woman rang to say she would text me the details of the landlady.  Fuck me, do they do anything at all apart from get in the way?  I’m still awaiting the text.

And then there was ‘Purple Bricks’.  “Thousands of people have already enjoyed our customer experience” a recorded message told me before I could speak to one of their ‘property experts’.  The ‘expert’ told me that I had to book a viewing through the internet and she was unable to book one for me (she may have been a ‘property expert’ but she was a retard at booking viewings apparently!).  So I filled in the required info and didn’t hear anything.  I rang again to enquire why I hadn’t heard anything and was asked if I had pets.  I said “No” and the girl said she would ring to see what was going on.  I heard nothing again.  I rang the following day and was told that because we were now beyond my requested viewing time I had to request a new viewing time on the internet.  ‘What’s the fucking point?’ I thought.  Their website is full of horrible images of commercial actors looking clinically ecstatic discussing business issues with people who don’t exist, and the images are shared amongst a variety of sites, from boat financers to medical supplies.

I do think that all estate agents will be internet based in the future but there needs to be a better transition.  It seems like we’ve gone from lazy estate agents sat in a shop to lazy estate agents sat in their living room watching ‘Cash in the Attic’ with a laptop on their knee.

Reality TV

All reality TV is bullshit and in no way ‘real’.

And one thing that hasn’t pissed me off but I always think it should do is the shop ‘Lush’.  Kerry is a big fan and she does like to scare monger on their behalf, “your shampoo is going to give you liver cancer”, “the shaving cream you use will turn you gay” etc…. but all the people who work in the shops seem lovely, and they still entertain me when I say things that must have been said a million times before.

“I’ve tried your samples and to be honest with you they taste like shite”

“I’ve noticed you do ‘breast cream’ called ‘lovely jubblies’.  Do you do anything for my balls?”

“You could make a testicle cream with a chilli additive and call it ‘Great Balls of Fire””

In response to their “Fighting Animal Testing” I asked, “Which animal did you find to be the best fighter?  Was it the Honey Badger?”

I think they’re doing a marvelous job anyway, keep it up Lush.

"Piggy Holding the Broken Bog Handle"

"Lush Samples That Taste Like Shite"

"Lush, Testing Fighting Animals"