Oliver Twists Pet Chimp
So a couple of weeks ago Kerry's Dad, Pete, parked his van outside a vacant "To Let" house on our row. He came to it in the morning to find a windscreen wiper had been ripped off and someone had attempted to snap off the wing mirror. I had my suspicions but there was no evidence.
Next door to the vacant house lives a woman, an alcoholic, who I can't gauge her age. She looks like Oliver Twist's pet chimp (I know he didn't have a pet chimp, but if he did...), always drunk and usually quite offensive.
Last week, at 2 O'clock in the morning, someone began knocking violently on my door. Pete was sleeping downstairs and he answered the door, "Move your fucking shit arse van, I'm fucking sick of it", the chimp lady shouted waking up a number of residents in the area. She has a "Papa Lazarou" sounding voice and if Reece Sheersmith was here he would have started taking notes right away.
I donned clothes to go out and investigate. When I arrived on the scene and asked what the problem was she shouted quizzically, "Who the fuck are you yer fat bitch? Get this fucking van moved before I throw it down the hill". I remained calm and said, "you don't have any right to request the removal of this van", but I already knew that a reasonable discussion wasn't on the menu.
"You fucking Dick Wank. I pay £300 a week for this view and I don't want your van parked in front of my house, Cunt! I'll call the police."
"I presume you damaged the van the other night then?", I asked.
"No, yer fuck shit", she claimed. "I hope your fucking baby dies you cunt".
I knew the words were simply words coming from an ill woman's mouth, but this upset me slightly. Where do you draw the line with this behaviour? I called the police anyway.
The woman is known to the police and they went to have a word with her.
The following week I drove past the chimp woman close to home and knew that she would be arriving home shortly after I did. I would make sure that I "eye balled" her and already had my water hose plugged in and set to power jet mode. The first profanity that came out of her mouth I would hose her down with cold water like the continental police do to rioters. She made eye contact and came walking up to me....
"Sorry about the other night", she said, "sometimes I just get so scared....".
I became slightly deflated. Sure I was mad that I couldn't exact revenge on her but also I was slightly sympathetic with the phrase, "I just get so scared".
"And people have moved in next door and I don't know what they're like. And my carrots, I'm afraid for my carrots". And then she burst into tears and ran off.
I felt guilt as I turned the hose off. But... it would be no surprise if it happens again.
Next door to the vacant house lives a woman, an alcoholic, who I can't gauge her age. She looks like Oliver Twist's pet chimp (I know he didn't have a pet chimp, but if he did...), always drunk and usually quite offensive.
Last week, at 2 O'clock in the morning, someone began knocking violently on my door. Pete was sleeping downstairs and he answered the door, "Move your fucking shit arse van, I'm fucking sick of it", the chimp lady shouted waking up a number of residents in the area. She has a "Papa Lazarou" sounding voice and if Reece Sheersmith was here he would have started taking notes right away.
I donned clothes to go out and investigate. When I arrived on the scene and asked what the problem was she shouted quizzically, "Who the fuck are you yer fat bitch? Get this fucking van moved before I throw it down the hill". I remained calm and said, "you don't have any right to request the removal of this van", but I already knew that a reasonable discussion wasn't on the menu.
"You fucking Dick Wank. I pay £300 a week for this view and I don't want your van parked in front of my house, Cunt! I'll call the police."
"I presume you damaged the van the other night then?", I asked.
"No, yer fuck shit", she claimed. "I hope your fucking baby dies you cunt".
I knew the words were simply words coming from an ill woman's mouth, but this upset me slightly. Where do you draw the line with this behaviour? I called the police anyway.
The woman is known to the police and they went to have a word with her.
The following week I drove past the chimp woman close to home and knew that she would be arriving home shortly after I did. I would make sure that I "eye balled" her and already had my water hose plugged in and set to power jet mode. The first profanity that came out of her mouth I would hose her down with cold water like the continental police do to rioters. She made eye contact and came walking up to me....
"Sorry about the other night", she said, "sometimes I just get so scared....".
I became slightly deflated. Sure I was mad that I couldn't exact revenge on her but also I was slightly sympathetic with the phrase, "I just get so scared".
"And people have moved in next door and I don't know what they're like. And my carrots, I'm afraid for my carrots". And then she burst into tears and ran off.
I felt guilt as I turned the hose off. But... it would be no surprise if it happens again.
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