The Onager

No, this isn't about the Roman onager, this is about the endangered Asiatic Wild Ass, well the part it had in me not winning a poetry competition.

Work held a poetry competition and because I'm a competitive sort and because I like to make an effort to get involved I created a poem. (And I do like a good poem too, Adrian Henri and Roger McGough spring to mind!). The poem is about paper:

Paper’s Ace

Paper’s ace,
It’s gonna save the race.
It can be made from trees,
Which in turn saves the bees.
But when the bees attack, I can give it a whack
With paper, and smash its little bee face in.

Paper’s great,
It’s your mate.
It can be made from grasses,
Which favours Asiatic asses.
But when the ass kicks, the paper gets lit,
And I can scare it off with fire (or use the paper as a fuse in a Molotov cocktail).

Paper’s sustainable,
Meaning zero carbon is attainable.
It can be made from faeces,
And dung beetle numbers increases.
But when the beetle makes chases with poo, and I don’t know what to do,
I can use the paper to hygienically pick up the poo and then stamp on the beetle.

Nothing is quite as adaptable as paper.
Fly, Sand, News, Wall, Bog, paper.
Saviour, Liberator, Hero, Influencer,
It even stops bloody influenza! (*well reduces the spread of Covid! )
Respect it, love it. Remember it’s flammable,
O, and stop being cruel to animals.

I was certain it would win, and then the winner was announced! And I couldn't believe I was beaten by such drivvle. I confronted the judging panel to ask why my brilliant poem didn't win and I was told that it couldn't be published due to the rude references. 'What rude references?' I quizzed. 'Well you know, you talked about Asian Asses and that'!!!!! Obviously I had to explain about the Onager, the Asiatic Ass, which is what this was genuinely about, and I highlighted that that statement says more about they're filthy minds than it does about mine.

Sometimes I think my genius is being suffocated.