Heaven

I was chatting to a Christian the other day about heaven.  No need to mention that I think the whole idea is way beyond bat shit but my friend is a big believer.  He cited experiences involving people who had clinically died and met people in the yonder life.  I wasn’t happy with this.  Firstly, I want an induction if I do go to heaven.  Where do you go to the toilet for instance?  How mortified would you be if you got to heaven desperately needing a poo, crouched down to dump on a cloud and was immediately surrounded by angels and God himself asking you “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”.

Secondly, who do you get to meet in heaven?  Is it just direct family?  And how many generations does it go back?  Am I going to meet Henry 8 VIII?  And what age are they?  For instance, I’d be over the moon if I could meet Marilyn Monroe but I don’t want to meet a young Monroe, I want to meet her when she’s about 30ish.  Is that my choice or hers?  And what about animals?  I do want to meet my old dog Mau Mau but I don’t want all animals to be in heaven.  I don’t want to come across any wasps in heaven, or spiders.

Any road, the other weekend the family and I went up to Cathedral Cavern in the Lakes and then had a walk over Slaters Bridge.  We stopped for a while to admire the scenery.  As I stood by the mirror still river being gently brushed by a warm breeze, dragonflies flew and cotton grass waved.  Cattle grazed on the other side of the water and I was surrounded by mountains and fluffy clouds.  My wife and son sat watching me until they came running over to join me.  How could anyone not realise that we are in heaven now, I thought?  And I dare say I could have had a poo virtually anywhere without causing much fuss.

The area I'm talking about

"The Heaven Experience"