Meat & Fruit Names

Last night as I was walking in the autumn dusk to a restaurant I got thinking about names and realised that with the exception of Lamb, if you have a single syllable meat surname it makes you sound silly. A double syllable meat name still has the potential to sound silly but you can mask it to sound posh, but you need the 3 syllable meat before respect is given.

The only way to combat the single syllable meat name conundrum is to go all out and get yourself a rhyming forename. This makes anyone saying your name instantly smile and they will expect to be addressing a fun, if a little wacky kind of person.

Cuts of meat names are also at risk.

See below:

The single syllable

Steve Beef (Could be softened with the forename Keith)
Colin Pork (Could be softened with the forename Bjork)
Matt Ham (Could be softened with the forename Graham but only as long as you pronounce it like the Americans do, Gram)
Craig Loin (Could be softened with the Irish forename of Owen, Eoinn)
Bob Chop (No softener!)

The double syllable

Mickey Chicken (Naturally sounds silly but not pronounced “Shi – Ken”)
Dave Sausage (Naturally sounds silly but not pronounced “Saw-Sarge”)
Richard Bacon!
Alan Partridge!

The posh triple syllable

Martin Venison
Simon Tenderloin
Rupert Pheasant-Leg
Oscar Chorizo

I had to wrap up my thinking as I neared the restaurant but it appears that Fruit names work the opposite way round. Single syllable fruit names are quite acceptable but multi-syllable fruit names are ridiculous:

Acceptable single syllable fruit names

Victoria Plum
Brian Pear
Phil Grape
Mark Quince

Ridiculous multi-syllable names

Malcolm Coconut
Andy Pomegranate
Alistair Crabapple
Gary Monkey Jackfruit