Watch Me Eat Your Pudding
So we did the legal bit in the registry office but a few days later we had a bash for family and friends. Things were starting to get stressful.
Kerry had sent her Dad and me to the place we were getting married at to stick some flag things and net curtains to trees and stuff. I’ll be honest, this isn’t my forte. She had supplied me with a couple of photos to get ‘inspiration’ from and said “Use your imagination”. She was also getting stressed and in turn her stress was infecting Pete and I. We were both crapping ourselves in anticipation of her return to find we had done everything wrong and feeling the wrath of her foul mouth.
The other thing that was slightly stressing me out was the location where we were getting married. It was a centre for sustainability run by a resident community. I’m all for this by the way but there were a couple of things that bothered me. The state of the chairs (which may have been sourced ‘sustainably’, maybe from a skip), meat wasn’t allowed in the main house, someone got a dead foetus in a fresh organic egg, BUT, No.1 on the list, ‘Compost Toilets’. I don’t care what you call it or the reasons for doing it, there was no way that I would be using the compost toilet. There may be people who love the smell of other peoples ‘doings’ but I’m not one of those people, I’ve done the whole ‘crapping into a communal hole’ thing in the Army and quite frankly I am NOT doing it again, never mind on my wedding day. And in the house where there are toilets for ladies, they have a ‘Don’t flush unless it’s a No.2’ policy, well you can stick that up yer arse too, it’s getting flushed before and after I use it.
All that aside, we had a beautiful and fitting time and I would highly recommend the place to anyone who enjoys the satisfaction of trying to live sustainably or anyone who likes the smell of other people’s doings.
However, my favourite part of setting up the wedding was creating my signs. I created 6 signs in total and positioned them around the hamlet of Monkton Wyld. They read:
“Horse. Biggest penis in Dorset. See it £1, Touch it £3. #37 tourist attraction in Monkton. 1 Mile”
A picture of a tortoise with a speech bubble saying “Hey, that’s my Lard”. (That was a homage to Jade)
“My Goat will guess your name”. And then another positioned along the road simply saying “Steve?”.
“Fat Cock. And big chickens. Note: The cock has a temper”
And my favourite, simply because it was removed first, hopefully by the big posh house on the left after a coach load of Japanese tourists arrived demanding it, was:
“Watch me eat your pudding. Next Left”
Kerry had sent her Dad and me to the place we were getting married at to stick some flag things and net curtains to trees and stuff. I’ll be honest, this isn’t my forte. She had supplied me with a couple of photos to get ‘inspiration’ from and said “Use your imagination”. She was also getting stressed and in turn her stress was infecting Pete and I. We were both crapping ourselves in anticipation of her return to find we had done everything wrong and feeling the wrath of her foul mouth.
The other thing that was slightly stressing me out was the location where we were getting married. It was a centre for sustainability run by a resident community. I’m all for this by the way but there were a couple of things that bothered me. The state of the chairs (which may have been sourced ‘sustainably’, maybe from a skip), meat wasn’t allowed in the main house, someone got a dead foetus in a fresh organic egg, BUT, No.1 on the list, ‘Compost Toilets’. I don’t care what you call it or the reasons for doing it, there was no way that I would be using the compost toilet. There may be people who love the smell of other peoples ‘doings’ but I’m not one of those people, I’ve done the whole ‘crapping into a communal hole’ thing in the Army and quite frankly I am NOT doing it again, never mind on my wedding day. And in the house where there are toilets for ladies, they have a ‘Don’t flush unless it’s a No.2’ policy, well you can stick that up yer arse too, it’s getting flushed before and after I use it.
All that aside, we had a beautiful and fitting time and I would highly recommend the place to anyone who enjoys the satisfaction of trying to live sustainably or anyone who likes the smell of other people’s doings.
However, my favourite part of setting up the wedding was creating my signs. I created 6 signs in total and positioned them around the hamlet of Monkton Wyld. They read:
“Horse. Biggest penis in Dorset. See it £1, Touch it £3. #37 tourist attraction in Monkton. 1 Mile”
A picture of a tortoise with a speech bubble saying “Hey, that’s my Lard”. (That was a homage to Jade)
“My Goat will guess your name”. And then another positioned along the road simply saying “Steve?”.
“Fat Cock. And big chickens. Note: The cock has a temper”
And my favourite, simply because it was removed first, hopefully by the big posh house on the left after a coach load of Japanese tourists arrived demanding it, was:
“Watch me eat your pudding. Next Left”
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